Another: CLICK HERE FOR ANOTHER SCOLIOSIS BLOG!!
I have to promote this blog, especially since we share the bowel issues.

Fellow Blog Junkie

Moni, another incessant blogster, has sent me a link to her scoliosis blog, so here it is! Moni just had the surgery, and went from 76 to 15 degrees!! How twisted is that? (Pun sincerely intended.)

ALSO: Sarah made me show my scar to everyone at the bachelorette party last night. Talk about a sexy party favor! I'm telling you, it is so unbelievably wicked, people love it. So I have graduated from displaying my body parts via tightly knit shirts and low-slung pants as a twenty-something, to providing shock-humor with flashes of my surgical scar in my thirties. What will the forties bring?

CLICK HERE FOR MONIE'S BLOG!!

The Snake is Back

AN APOLOGIA: Did I do this already? If so, then disregard. So here I go. I'm sorry. Alright, there you have it. I'm sorry for all these months of swearing into my blog, and subjecting sensitive and younger readers to that language. I guess I just never imagined anyone was reading the darn thing! (See that? I didn't say "damn," which totally changed the tenor of the idea I was trying to express, but that's the new me!) I will cease and desist from now on from any vulgarity in any form, except in gibberish, which I plan to incorporate from here on out. But aside from "A Clockwork Orange," in which the author brilliantly invents an imaginary language used by future psycho-punks, I doubt the use of pretend swear-words have ever had an interesting effect on anything, but I will try. Oh, and mentions of sex will be summarily discontinued as well. I'm turning over a new leaf, my friends!

UPDATE: my nerves are regenerating in my back and growing down my legs at alarming rates! I can scratch my thigh and feel it in my back! Oh bonus! I never knew the body could regenerate in such awkward ways! But it doesn't bother me, as long as I still have control of my internal operations.

ALSO: I'm thinking of getting a shoe lift. You see, you gosh-darned (arrrrgggg) leg is still longer than the other, so I can feel myself hobbling around like a pirate with a sawed off peg. I shall try it and see, although I have absolutely no faith that this contraption will do doodly-squat to enrich my life, but what the heck, miracles happen. You see, I want it because I am having pain recently what with all the work, and work, and work I am doing. Before work, I was FINE!! No pain! But now, some pain (not like before), and usually only because I INSIST on wearing heels.

AND: I am going to see DeWald about doing stretching or PT because the tightness is still there, and EVERYONE ELSE GETS TO DO EXERCISE AND PT, SO WHY NOT ME??????

I always misspell exercise, and it will never change.

RECOMMENDATION: if you have extra time, read "A Clockwork Orange," with all 21 chapters, and you will be amazed at how well this dude can write.

Talk to me, babe!

P.S.: I went to a bachelorette party last night! Woohoo! With heels! And I am not doubled over in pain. Well, not in the back, at least. Unfortunately, what with the newly created self-regulation of bloggery, I am unable to share the events of our bacchanalian affair, lest those sensitive and younger readers be corrupted by life's banalities once again.

Today is my Birthday!

And if all goes well, I will be home before 6:00 p.m.

I have asked for another dog, but we shall see.

I have been so busy lately that I haven't kept up on my postings! The blog is like the little mystery baby that I never had: a few people know about it, no one knows what to do with it, and I neglect the hell out of it.

Anyway, some feeling is coming back into my skin on my back, but in patchy different areas, including right above my left buttock, if you will, and when I touch that area, it feels like a hair is touching my leg about 5 inches down. Wierd! So my nerves are reconnecting or something, but at strange new intersections.

I realize that some of my back pain is stress related. Last night, I was working late and my back hurt so bad! It felt like the muscles were lifting off my spine and when I went to bed it was all I could do to log-roll. And I was wearing flats all day. What's up with that? So, I think that some of my pain is stress related. I have heard of bio-feedback for pain therapy, but has anyone tried it? I only get like this when I am really stressed out at work. I have no pain on the weekend, or during normal, non-hectic weeks. And I am off the muscle relaxants, so any night relief is gone. I guess I am just one big ball of stress. Why stress? Because a trial I am helping with started yesterday and I take on more than I should! Ouch!

I Try to Have a Point

But sometimes I don't. I'll make this short. The only meds I was taking recently was just Flexeril before bed, because the only problem I was having was muscle tightness in the morning. Then, for some unexplained reason, I switched to Valium, and that had the added benefit of making me sleep the entire night, but then I figured out it was the source of my recent lack of peristaltic activity and motion motility, and resulting in cement build-up, making my colon the location of much beaver-dam building, or more like the Hoover Dam, which broke my heart to the enth degree, as I thought that was an issue of the past, having been cured by said surgery, along with all my other ailments. But seriously, it was brought to my attention that Valium, as a muscle-relaxer, was also relaxing my colon muscles, thereby rendering the gastrointestinal system worthless, or nothing but a holding cell for processed, old food. That can't be good for you!

So I quit taking Valium at night, and don't take the Flexeril, and am not sleeping, due to the constant movement by my nocturnally active husband, whose every night-time movement is carefully tracked by my ever-alert senses, depriving me of much needed sleep and relaxation.

So I don't sleep and I wake up with a stiff back. What to do? I will ponder that with my legs propped up on pillows tonight.

This is so, very sad, as it demonstrates the depths of insanity into which I have plunged: the photo is from "Better Homes & Gardens," and it is a sample of what we readers can do with our Halloween pumpkins!! Yay! Now, if ANYONE in the world can manage to carve out a pumpkin that looks like that, I will give them a million bucks! Maybe I am also a retard (I can say that because I am a carrier of the Fragile-X gene, and am, therefore, officially a sort-of retarded person), but whenever I take knife to gourd, it results in frustration and teeters on anger, at not being able to saw the pieces of the damned thing out! Unless you are Ivan the Terrible, I don't know who can get their stupid knives through the things, as the don't want to be carved, obviously, having coated themselves with a hard, impenetrable armor, but year and year, we tempt the emergency room gods with our derring-do, and invite our kids, too! Hey, that rhymed.

ENOUGH OF THE PUMPKIN TALK ALREADY!

Update to curious readers: my husband no longer has to wipe my butt, even though he would love to, as he spends several hours a day down there kissing my ass every day anyway. Just kidding! I had to say that because I found out last night that he READS MY BLOG, oh my god what a shock, I think, because why does he want to read about what I will just tell him later, during one of my rambler-talk-a-thons, which he has described as a ticker-tape processing unit, spewing constant chatter from my mouth, but that is sometimes, and not all the times, for I am also quite demure and charming.

My back hurts today!! When will it not hurt? It has been weeks since it has hurt, but sometimes it still does and it bothers me. Sometimes I fantasize that I did it all for naught. But that's incorrect, because I used to take something like 12 Advils a day, and now I take maybe one Aleve in the morning prophylactically. Will I ever be able to wear heels again? Am I slowly morphing into a soccer-mom, with short hair and a FAT WAIST, sensible shoes and crappy car? That's my life!! I got fat recently, and must hit the bike! I haven't heard from DeWald when I will be able to really give it a vigorous work-out again, not that I would, but hey. In fact, I don't even have a follow-up appointment with him because I like living on the edge, you know?

I got a letter from Blue Cross/Blue Shield recently that said, "We have paid about $156,000, in medical bills to date for your surgery, and have found out that we overpaid by $50.00, so please pay up." What?? Are they kidding? That spit in the bucket? Mother fuck it! (Quote supplied by the transvestite in Garden of Good and Evil)

Otherwise, things are getting back to their usual selves with me: my allergies are back, my crabbiness alive and kicking, my chronic constipation has joined the club and now I can't even get tickets to the World Series! If anyone has two tickets to the World Series and wants to sell them to me for face-value, please let me know. I want to go really, really bad for some reason. Thanks.

p.s.: Fuck and Constipation are not in the spell-check on Blogster, and neither is the word "blog."

I thought I was Dead

I looked at my blog, and it was so old and moldy, I thought I had died or something! What happened to my manic daily, even hourly, rambling posts? I suppose it had something to do with my job. (Insert large frowny-face here)

So, my back has not hurt in AGES, but that's because I have been a good girl and worn nothing but flat (rhymes with fat) shoes all the time, much to my dismay. Gone are the days of long-legged-ness, of showing the world my lithesome, glittery gams, all long and billowy like the wind... Of course, that can not be further from the truth, but whatever. You learn to live with the hand you are dealt.

ALSO, I have been bad, bad, bad!!!! Very salaciously, saucily bad, indeed! I haven't worn my electro-sphmegmometer in three months! So, guiltily, I wore it last night, tucked into my granny-panties as I vacuumed the house, oblivious to my open curtains, or truly, lack of curtains, daring anyone to be turned on by the sight. I waited and waited and WAITED for the damn beeper to go off, telling me that I can take the cumbersome thing off. I praise highly the engineer who designed this apparatus, excepting for the fact that they designed it for a huge, portly man, and not the real users, which are usually young, slender women. Am I wrong? Aren't most people with scoliosis thinner than normal, and usually young, unless, like me, they wait a million years to have the surgery? If you are aware of the contrary, please drop me a line.

Interesting development: I know I said it before, but I don't feel the urge to imbibe alcohol anymore like I used to! I think it is because I am not in so much searing pain anymore. I used to get home from work feeling like I had broken glass embedded in my body - FOR REAL!! And I know that I am not the only one.

Should we start a "Scoliosis Awareness Society?" Aptly acronymed "SAS"? I would like to be a public speaker, and would like to strip and get naked on stage and show everyone my scar, with a fig-leaf draped over the other parts, of course, in the name of science! OK, not really. More for my own self-aggrandizement. And what, pray, tell, is wrong with that?

Anyone want to join me?

I Look Like a Skull-Head

in my "about me" picture. Ah, those were the days, just weeks after surgery and still skinny enough to take pictures of myself! But, as a result of the surgery, I have gained 100 pounds!! Just kidding. I wonder if anyone would believe that? Because before the surgery, I would have believed anything, including that I would be taller as a result, and as it turns out, I am not, and I am still very upset about it!! Well, gee, I grew 1/4 inch. What a rip!

OK, here's the deal. Please email me a picture of yourself with your brace on, or after surgery, or of your scar, or whatever, so I can post it on my blog. First 500 customers will receive a free commemorative 2005 NASCAR Beer Mug!! So keep those pictures and cards rolling, eager beavers!! You ask yourself why I do this? Many reasons, including:

1. To share the glory of being on my wicked, kick-ass blog;
2. For my entertainment and to satisfy my curiosity;
3. So some of my readers know that I don't just write this all for myself;
4. So I can pretend that I don't just write this blog for myself.

OK! The cat is out of the bean-bag! I have been writing this blog for quite some time now, some may say toooo long, but it is the only creative outlet I have, outside of snake handling. Really, I like to write and this blog at least gives me a reason to do it. I swear that I am A.D.D., because I can't focus on anything for too long, lest something glittery comes flitting by, and therefore this blog forces me to focus on one topic and move on with it. Perhaps in the future I will droll on about some other items on yet another blog, but I don't have a blog idea yet. Suggestions?

And really, I wanted to document my recovery. Because I tend to have a very limited memory and quickly forget things about myself, which is good I suppose, because I can go through life re-doing the same stuff over and over again, like the Chaucer class I took in college, TWICE, and never be bored! Even better: people can tell me the same stories over and over, the same jokes, love poetry, etc., and I am always amused, spell-bound, aghast, whatever.

As for, "is this blog like therapy?" I would have to answer with a resounding "no." (Did that tiny little "no" look resounding? It didn't to me. It looked like it was trying to hide behind all the quotes.)

Argh! I digress!

Point: I danced on Saturday, on my deck and in my house to my Edison phonograph, and it felt so wickedly decadent and goood, that I knew I would pay for it. And so I did. Back hurts. The end.

THIS JUST IN! I just remembered another reason I decided to write this blog. Because I found a dearth of information and personal stories out there on adults who have the surgery. All that is out there, so it seemed, were these dumb little flower-bedecked, starlight-starbright, pink and fluffy web-sites out there from cutey-pies #1, #2 and #3. Really, I don't want to read another young girl's missive concerning whether or not to attend cheerleading practice a month after surgery. Call me a bitch. I probably won't disagree. But I wanted other "adults" to have a resource before their surgeries, or after, even, that is all about being a grown-up, and recovery in real-life.

GET THIS: One young girl actually asked, via message board, HOW MUCH THE TITANIUM RODS WEIGH, because she feared gaining weight. Unbelievable.

P.S. - spell-check doesn't know what "cheerleading" is. What next, a man on the freakin' moon???

P.S.S. - I promise to write something of substance next time.

NO PAIN TODAY, HOT TAMALE

Ok, if you get that "hot tamale" reference, then you are so cool! That stupid jokey saying, "cold today, hot tamale," is ever-present in the knee-jerk reaction center of my mind; therefore, every time I hear someone say, "gee, it's cold today," which is most of the time in this blasted Windy City, I respond to the comment, in my head, with "hot tamale!!"

"Brrrr, it's cold today," Ingrid shudders, rubbing her mittened hands up
and down her arms.

"Hot tamale!" Responds a horrified Kat, her helpless, mortified tone
is soon supplanted by a swooshing gust of relief, such as one
expresses after expressing something foul or vulgar.

It is so nerve-wracking, yet I can't get it to stop!! Oh, the humanity.....

I have other little ditties like that, which always flower and populate the well-spring of my mind, when triggered by some casual event, but which never fail to have the effect of cats scratching a chalk-board. It dawns on me that I use alot of hyphens - I like them! Please, someone, stop me.

Also, I changed the font colors of my blog today, because I AM SOOOOO SMART and HTML-saavy (hyphen). NOT! I am still trying to figure out where to get a font code for a cooler font for my header, but that information evades me.

The HTML book that I use is a big scam-ola, because it says at the bottom of every page:

Find extra tips, the source code for examples, and more at:
www.ha-ha,suckers!.com

So then I go to the website, being the lab rat that I am, and a bit naive, of course, expecting this nirvana of free codes and promised "tips," other fluff, etc., only to be greeted with a boring ass website hawking (or perhaps "hocking?") more books! What the hell?! How many dollars do I have to fart out my butt before someone can grace me with the promised material? I hate capitalists! Besides myself! Now send me some money!

p.s.: The editor apologizes for the flying flatulence reference, but bodily function humor is always on the map for the author, notwithstanding the fact that the editor is a "humour"-snob, and will emit not the slightest muffled chortle at the country's most beloved sitcom, The Simpsons, nor will the editor suffer a moment of Southpark, being, what the editor believes, to be entertainment lacking in creativity, but genius nevertheless, due to its ability to lull the unthinking masses into believing it represents cutting-edge outlandish humor, when all it really provides is swearing at its worst - believe me, the author loves swearing - but at least use your foul language in a clever, creative way; but the creators of that barrel of swill are not challenged, for to challenge their brains would be to out-smart their audience, and we do need entertainment for the rich underclass, don't we? signed, your editor....